


I don't mind if you fuck up my life

by jigokunooji



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Based on an All Time Low Song, Break Up, Depression, Mental Institutions, Post-Break Up, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27705206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jigokunooji/pseuds/jigokunooji
Summary: written based off All Time Low's song Monsters





	I don't mind if you fuck up my life

It was the end of the tour and Alex was glad that he would finally be getting a break and see his girlfriend again for the first time in what felt like months. They would be meeting up at a coffee shop she worked at previously and on she went to often. Although Alex didn't like coffee, he still agreed and would just get what he usually did when he went there. Alex put on a pair of black skinny jeans and a Nirvana t-shirt before fixing his hair in the mirror to make sure he looked good. He texted his girlfriend, letting her know that he was on his way before heading out the door and making his way down to the coffee shop. He caught sight of his girlfriend waiting outside once he arrived and went over to give her a hug and kiss.

"Hey, I missed you," Alex said as they went inside. She didn't say anything as they got in line to order which made Alex a little confused but decided to brush it off, figuring she was just having a bad day. When they got their drinks and paid, they found a seat by the door and sat down. It was silent for a few minutes before Alex's girlfriend finally spoke.

"So I know you probably thought this was some kind of hang out date thing but I actually have to tell you something and it's important."

Alex gave a puzzled look and she kept going, "I can't do this anymore. I found someone else. He makes me happy and he doesn't always go away."

Tears began to well up in Alex's eyes, "but you knew, why would you do this to me? Did I not make you happy? What can I do to make this better? Please don't do this Ashten."

"I'm sorry Alex," that's all she could say before getting up from her seat and leaving. Alex felt heartbroken and he didn't understand what he did to cause this to happen. He got up from his seat, threw his drink away, and left, going back to his house so he could be alone again. Endless thoughts clouded his mind and he couldn't get them to stop no matter how much he tried.

Once he got back from the walk, he went straight up to his room and dug out his old journal that he hadn't used in years and started writing

"December 5th, 2018

I give people the world and its still not enough for them. I let

people in only for them to treat me like trash and then leave. All

the times ive overworked myself and used up all my energy just to get

people to stay and it still didnt work. Maybe im just a fucking

waste. I dont get why i even try anymore. I dont feel loved and i dont

feel appreciated and now that Ashten is gone the only thing i feel is pain.

I wish i could go back and do things all over again, I want to be around

more and put more effort into the relationship. Even when all she did was

hurt me, i still loved her. I dont care if she fucks up my life."

Alex closed his journal when he was finished writing and set it aside. He turned his phone off, not wanting to be bothered b anymore and climbed into bed. "Maybe sleeping will help" he thought to himself as he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Alex woke up to Zack standing over him with a very concerned look.

"Are you okay dude? I tried calling you several times but it went straight to voicemail."

"Go home Zack, today's not the day," Alex said, still half asleep.

"So I take it you're not going to the party then."

"Will there be alcohol?" Alex asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"What do we look like? Teenagers? Of course there's going to be alcohol. Now come on, get your ass out of bed and get dressed," Zack heads out the door and tells Alex he'll be downstairs waiting for him. Alex just sighs and not even bothering to close the door in case Zack comes in again, he picks out a nice outfit to wear and gets dressed. He fixes his hair in the mirror and grabs his phone before heading downstairs.

"You ready?"

"Do I look ready?" Alex asked.

"Who pissed in your cereal this morning? Anyways lets go."

There were tons of cars in the parking lot when they arrived which made Alex's anxiety go up a bit. He didn't llike being around large groups of people for a long period of time but he mainly came for the alcohol to distract himself from the pain. Zack parked the car and they both got out and went into the club.

The place was packed and Alex was sure he didn't even know half the people here which was bad but good. He didn't want anyone he knew, knowing about what was about to go down. Alex made his way across the floor, towards the front where all the drinks were. He scanned over the drink choices and gave a disgusted look when there was nothing he liked but said screw it anyway and grabbed a cup, filling it with whiskey. He downed most of it while nearly gagging in the process because of how disgusting it was but he poured himself another cup anyway and proceeded to down most of it yet again. He didn't care if anyone looked at him weird because they didn't know the kind of sadness he was feeling right now. Zack managed to finally get to Alex after getting lost in the crowd and by that point Alex was already on his third drink.

"Dude what the fuck! Why did you suddenly run off like that?"

Alex raised his cup to show that he had found the alcohol, "I was looking for this."

"That's all you wanted to come for? Don't you want to dance and have fun?"

"I don't know what fun is anymore," Alex said, pouring himself another cup.

Zack grabbed the cup from Alex, setting it down on the table and dragging him to an area where there are no people, "okay, tell me, what's going on with you? You were grumpy at your house and now that I got you here, you're having drink after drink."

"What? A guy can't have a little fun? Besides, I think I deserve to get drunk, touring takes a lot of energy out of you," Alex replied, smiling.

"Yeah but we've only been here for five minutes and you're already half drunk. And since when have you started drinking whiskey?"

"Since today, that's all they have that I can somewhat handle drinking," Alex admitted.

Zack sighed, not knowing what to do. He knew something was off about Alex but he knew he wasn't going to tell him, especially not now that he's drunk.

"Stay close to me okay? I don't want you getting injured or anything."

Alex just rolled his eyes before he suddenly began laughing. Zack tried looking around the room to see if he could find a chair for Alex to sit in, but there were so many people that he couldn't see over them. Zack looked at Alex and told him to stay put while he made his way through the crowd of people to the other side where he caught sight of a chair.

By that point, Alex had already started making his way back to the drink table when he saw Ashten there. He went up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and her face instantly changed.

"Can I talk to you in private please?" Alex asked, stumbling over his words.

"I don't think now's the right time Alex, I'm sorry."

"Please Ashten, just for a couple minutes and then you-"

"Who's this?" A tall man who went up to Ashten, asked.

"This is my ex Alex Gaskarth, you know, from that one band." Ashten responded.

The man nodded his head and turned towards Alex, "I'm going to need you to stop bothering my girlfriend and get out of here."

"Girlfriend? She left me for this guy? Sure he was tall and good looking but she could've done so much better," Alex thought to himself. He muttered an apology and walked away, making his way towards the entrance. He no longer wanted to be there and didn't care if Zack tried to stop him. Alex took out his phone to text Zack and let him know he was leaving until he felt someone grab his arm which caused him to jump slightly.

"Alex what the fuck! I told you to stay put, why didn't you listen?" Zack questioned. He was definitely not happy with Alex.

"I wanted more alcohol but it doesn't matter now, I'm going home," Alex replied, making his way towards the door again but Zack grabbed his arm.

"You have to tell me what's going on. You're acting weird and it's having me concerned."

Alex snatched his arm away and stepped back, "don't worry about it okay, I'm fine, I just have a headache," he snapped.

"Well then I'm taking you home, you're not driving or walking home while drunk," Zack responded in a sad but concerning tone.

Alex simply nodded his head, not even bothering to argue, he just wanted to go home. They both leave the club and head to the car, getting in before driving off. The car ride was silent which Alex didn't mind. He lied about the headache but now he was actually starting to get one so he preferred it be silent.

When they bother arrived at Alex's house, Zack offered to walk Alex to his front door but Alex declined, stating that he would be okay. Zack muttered an okay before Alex got out of the car and went inside. Zack drove off, still worried about Alex being okay.

It was nearly 3am and Alex was still awake. He couldn't sleep when his mind was constantly racing. He sat on the floor of his bedroom, struggling to breathe as his entire body shook. He hated moments like this. Panic attacks were never fun for him and he wished he could just make it stop. He picked up his phone that was laying right next to him and opened up his messages with Ashten, reading over them again and contemplating if he should text her again.

Alex: i know you have a boyfriend now but i just wanted to apologize

Alex: im still not sure what i did to not be enough but i wish you wouldve told me. i couldve fixed things, i couldve been around more and do whatever i could to keep you happy

Alex: i know i didnt make you happy and i deserved the way you treated me. i couldve been a better boyfriend, its just i didnt know how. i didnt know that what i was doing wasnt good enough for you

Alex: im still in love with you and would do anything have you back. i need you in my life

Alex: i dont even mind if you fuck up my life (failed to send)

"Oh that's right, she probably blocked." Alex quietly said to himself. He locked his phone and set it down. Getting up from off the floor and he went over to his desk and grabbed his journal and began writing

"December 6th, 2018

I dont understand hhow my stupid brain works and i wish i did. why is it that all the monsters only come out at night? what do i sleep where i want to hide? and why do i want to run back to her? I feel like i'll never be happy so whats the point? whats the point in any of this if im just going to keep suffering? I have nothing to llive for. Ashten left me and my friends dont seem to care about me. id be much happier if i was dead."

Alex stopped himself from writing anything else. It seemed to do more damage than it was supposed to help. The way he felt thought was real. He didn't want to live anymore if he was just going to keep suffering. Alex went into his bathroom and searched through the closet for pills he could take. He wasn't going to even bother saying goodbye to anyone because he saw no point in it.

Once he had the pills, he grabbed a handful and took a whole bunch at a time, now waiting for it to set in.

Alex woke up in a hospital bed, his head pounding and struggling to keep his eyes open because of the brightness in the room. He looked to his left to see Zack sleeping in the chair beside him. Alex questioned how Zack knew to come back and check on him but that was the least of his worries right now. He wanted to know how he survived and what he can do next time so this doesn't happen again. There was a sudden knock on the door that made Alex jump a little and a nurse came in.

"Glad to see you're awake Ale. Do you mind if I ask you just a couple of quick questions?"

"If it will get me out of here quicker then ask away."

The nurse gave a sad smile and continued on to her questions, "okay so for starters, do you know why you're here today?"

"I tried committing suicide," Alex replied, the response almost sounding more like a question.

"Correct, and how would you rate your physical pain on a scale from one to ten?"

"A three."

"Okay, and what about mentally?" The nurse asks, jotting everything down.

"I'd say a seven, don't really want to be here."

"That's understandable, okay and final question, have you previously been diagnosed with any kind of disorder and have you previously been on any kind of medication?"

Alex rolled his eyes, not sure why the doctors needed this kind of information but he complied, "I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. As for medication, I don't remember."

The nurse wrote something else down before looking up at Alex and smiling, "okay, that's all the questions I have for you today. Someone else will be in to see you shortly so just sit tight okay?" And with that, the nurse left and it was silent again. Alex considered turning on the tv to kill some time but he didn't want to wake Zack so he just sat in silence.

It felt like forty minutes had passed before Alex heard another knock on the door and a man with brown hair and glasses came in.

"Hello Alex, my name is Dr. Grace. I'm one of the psychologists here at this hospital, how are we doing today?"

"I don't want to be here," Alex replied instantly.

"Here as in this hospital or do you mean in this world?"

"Both."

Dr. Grace nodded his head, "I can see why you feel that way. Dealing with depression is in no way easy and can definitely make you feel like death is the only way out but that is most certainly not true, and you are definitely not alone in this. So here's what we're going to do, we're going to send you over to the psychiatric unit that we have in this hospital and get you situated on meds to help balance out those feelings okay?"

"Do I not have a choice?"

"Unfortunately, for the sake of your safety the answer is no but I promise you it's not that bad and I even went there at one point as well. You may not like it but I know the nurses there will make you feel more comfortable so you don't hate."

Alex sighed and muttered an okay. Dr. Grace had left the room to make a phone call and Alex took that as him having to wake Zack up and let him know what was going on. The two talked for a bit before eventually having to be separated because Alex had no clue how long he was going to be in the hospital, he just hoped it was soon.

Dr. Grace along with the same nurse from earlier came back in the room and she unhooked him from the monitors before he was told to follow Dr. Grace. He was led down a long hall where he then turned left and walked down another long hall, this time with a door at the end.

Before they reached the end, Dr. Grace let Alex know that if he needed anything, he just had to ask one of the nurses to call him. Alex just nodded his head before Dr.Grace put in a put to unlock the door and led Alex inside where he was then greeted by another nurse.

"Hello Alex, my name is Amanda. I'll be here to help you during your stay here."

"Great," Alex responds in a sarcastic tone.

Dr.Grace says his goodbyes before he leaves and now it's just Amanda and Alex. Amanda leads Alex to a room where she has him weigh himself and measures him to get his height before she takes the strings from his clothes and shoes. Alex was then taken to his room where he met his roommate, Nicholas.

He sat down on his bed, not exactly sure where to go from here. He couldn't do anything and he couldn't leave. Nicholas suggested playing a game but Alex didn't want to talk to anyone or be bothered. All he wanted to do was sit in his room and not leave until he was discharged. He didn't understand why his failed attempt on his life landed him here when he knew none of the nurses actually cared, they just wanted that paycheck. Besides, Alex believed it was only his choice whether or not he wanted to get help and he didn't want to. His life didn't matter to him. He lost the love of his life and it felt like a part of him left with her. He saw no reason for living and he wasn't going to let anyone get in the way of that.

Alex got up from his bed and left his room, going into the main area where everyone was. He figured if he was going to be here for a while, he might as well do something other than stare at the walls. He sat on the couch next to some girl with long black and green hair and a Waterparks shirt and looked up at the tv to see something on the Discovery Channel playing. "Better than nothing I guess, " Alex thought to himself.

\- time skip -

The days felt like they had gotten longer and Alex now felt like he was in a prison. There were certain things he couldn't do, and other things he could only do with supervision. It made him feel like the help he was receiving wasn't worth it. He could do the same things he's learning at home and he'd end up being okay in the end. To him, it seemed like the nurses just wanted to make people feel like they're in a prison.

The only good thing that came out of Alex being there was he learned a lot and already started making his way towards recovery. Now that he was on meds, his mental health had gotten so much better and before he knew it, he would be getting discharged from the hospital.

Alex sat on the edge of his bed as he listened to Nicholas ramble on about who knows what. That's all Nicholas did the entire time Alex was there and it had him confused about how someone could possibly have so much to talk about. Alex didn't know what to talk about half the time. He always sucked at conversations so he became more of a listener instead.

Nicholas was in the middle of ranting about clouds when there was a knock at the door, it was the lady who's in charge of discharging patients.

"Alex Gaskarth, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"He gets to leave but I still can't? That's unfair," Nicholas complains, causing Alex to snicker.

"We'll talk about that later Nick," the nurse replies but Nicholas and Alex both knew well enough that that's not true. Alex steps out into the hallway with the nurse and tries his best to contain his excitement because he already knew what was about to come.

"So I have some good news and bad news."

"I already don't like where this is going, give me the bad news first."

"So the bad news is, you'll no longer be seeing your one-on-one counselor, BUT, that's because you're leaving today! Isn't that exciting?"

There's no possible way I can still see her even though I'm leaving?" Alex asked.

"Unfortunately, because she only works here in this hospital, that's not possible. I can try and find you a similar therapist though so it won't be much of a difference," the nurse suggested.

Alex nodded his head in agreement and asked to make a phone call so he could have Zack pick him up. The nurse happily agrees and led him to her office. Alex called Zack, letting him know that he was leaving and asked if he could pick him up. Zack said he'd be there in fifteen minutes so that gave Alex just enough time to gather all his things and say goodbye to everyone. He was happy to finally be leaving what felt like a prison and go back to his home where he could finally perform again and write more music.

After Alex packed all his stuff up, he was escorted out of the hospital where he now stood, waiting outside for Zack to arrive. He didn't have to wait long though because Zack pulled up seconds later and Alex got in.

"It's great to have you back, man. Jack and Robert missed you."

"I missed you guys too. Feels like it's been forever."

"Only a couple of months," Zack replied.

They drive back to Alex's house and Alex thanks Zack before saying goodbye and heading into his house.The entire place was trashed but Alex couldn't remember how it happened. The only thing he could remember was going to the club with Zack and then waking up in the hospital. Alex decided to clean the place up, starting with the living room and working his way to the bedroom. Although, he wasn't sure if he was mentally prepared to see what could possibly be in his room and how it looks. He knew it had to be cleaned though so when he finally go to that part of the house, he gathered up the courage and opened the door to his bedroom. Ripped up and crumbled paper thrown everywhere and dried up blood and vomit on the walls and carpet.

Alex sighed as memories from that night slowly started to come back to him but he got right to work, not wanting to waste any time.

After about two hours of cleaning, Alex was finally done and he could relax now. He sat on his bed and pulled out his journal, flipping back to the entry from that night and read over it. That quickly became a bad idea when he started missing that feeling. He flipped to an empty page in his journal and started writing

"February 15th, 2019

Once again i can t seem to understand my mind. im finally in a good place mentally which is something ive always cried about wanting but now i crave that sadness i once felt. ive dealt with it for years that ive gotten so used to it and i never want it to go away. all the lies my mind tried telling me, why am i such a sucker for it? it seems like now, even without it i still feel dead. i dont even care if it fucks up my life. what can i do to bring that sadness back?"

Alex sighed as he put his pencil down and closed his journal. "Maybe this is how recovery is supposed to go," he thought to himself.


End file.
